The word “douche,” like “Clamato,” has been unfairly represented in popular culture. It simply means shower or bath in the ancient language known as “French,” which scholars will note defines a potato as an earth apple.

Bucephalus, the Mighty Horn of Fogelfoot, was caked in filth inside and out from shows in the desert, at smoky bars, and from the juice-box-sticky hands of wide-eyed students who had never beheld the grandeur of a B-flat Marching Baritone Horn before, and Reason dictated that the horn be washed.

The procedure is simple: it involves taking the horn apart, soaping this, greasing that, and placing the valves in a vinegar and water mixture to make them function at their snappiest. This can be done in a matter of hours of industry and passive reflection.

After putting the horn back together, however, the speed with which the douched valves responded surprised Marty, whose thumbnail was ripped off during “Unfriendly Waters.” The choice became whether to bleed and weep or bleed and dominate.

We chose the latter, and that sacrifice and perseverance through hardship and carnage is why Fogelfoot is America’s Only Band.

See also: Bucephalus in a tub

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